I have no particular political standing; I merely react according to what I observe. I try to remain unbiased when considering facts and opinions, and I expect my opinions to be respected in the light that I took the time to consider them from multiple angles.

Knowledge is power – or, more accurately, knowledge of the TRUTH is power. To control a group of people, the first thing one must do is take away their power. The most power possessed by any one person is the power to think, and the power to know. Therefore, to control a mass of people, a dictator must control what the people are permitted to know.

When Adolf Hitler came to power in Germany, Germany was in shambles. The country was in disrepair, and the morale of the people was too low for them to begin restoring it. Hitler put himself in the public eye, motivating the people with talk of what they could do to repair Germany, and gaining their trust with his talk. Desperate for a savior, most of the people of Germany did what he said unquestioningly.

But there were people who disagreed with Hitler, and this meant that there was conflicting thought. To control people’s thought (and therefore control the people), Hitler established ways to squash and mute any dissenting voices. One of these ways was, when there were a group of protesters, having a group of his own shout over the protesters, drowning them out. These were called Hitler’s brown shirts (named after their propensity for wearing brown shirts when they went to drown out the protestors). This way, the dissenting voices could not be heard, and their opinions could not spread.

One of the first things Hitler did was abolish home-schooling, and appealed to the youth of Germany. It is easier to indoctrinate children than it is to indoctrinate adults, which is why we spend the first eighteen years of our lives in school. Before a child goes to school, his brain is not well-enough developed for him to form the ability to think for him or herself; therefore, Hitler met no opposition when indoctrinating the children of Germany. By doing this, he created a whole generation of people who unquestioningly did as he commanded.

As we know, Hitler killed thousands and thousands of people before he met his end, doing extreme damage to the world – and he would have done more if given the opportunity. If the Germans had known what was going to happen beforehand, they would have killed Hitler before he ever spoke. But as it was, they had no knowledge of what Hitler was doing; they were not permitted to understand what was happening until it was too late.

Our country assumes that we are too smart for a repetition of what happened in Germany, but are we really? There is a video of a man instructing people on how to protest the protestors of our president’s health-care plan. He told them that if anyone made any ruckus, they should scream “Health-care now! Health-care now!” to drown out the protectors. This man was wearing a brown shirt. Sound familiar? You should be truly frightened when people are thrown in jail for protesting controversial subjects.

Our president sent out a video to be watched in the classrooms of our schools, concerning the health-care plan (in which all people will get an equal amount of care, as is their “right”!), with a complete explanation on why it is “moral” and why it will work, as well as a segment for questions and answers. My views on health-care are inconsequential here: the fact that he is having this done in schools still sounds like brainwashing. The “fact” that universal health-care is “for the best” is not fact at all, but rather perfectly debatable. I find it to be AMORAL that differing opinion is frowned on.


I will state again that I have no particular political standing. However, it is my observation that conservative ideas and conservative opinion are too often laughed at, and even ostracized. Conservatives reject universal health-care, because universal health-care is a socialist idea and, like most socialist ideas, it is impractical. It is not heartless to reject it: it is rejected because these believe that universal health-care will not work, and is even wrong.

Though one may disagree with an opinion, ridiculing a person for possessing that opinion is unspeakably crude. The ability to consider varying opinions is what makes – or made – this country a democracy. A democracy is the best means by which to arrive at truth; without a pea soup of differing opinions, and the process of deciding which is the most functional, one cannot have a democracy.

Consider these things: 1) conservatives ARE called heartless and backward, but are they really these things, or are they just more concerned with being practical than being all-encompassing? Whether you agree with them or not, my point is that they are ostracized for what they think, which is wrong. 2) Do you know what your children are being taught in school? Are they being taught what you WANT them to be taught, or are they being indoctrinating with what they government wants them to think? 3) History is the best teacher, and it repeats itself without fail. He who knows history knows his past, present, and future.

My point in this small dissertation is that one must be aware of all the variables and all the nuances before one should make a judgement. I do not want to digress into endless debate: while I will consider your comments, my purpose is to give you food for thought. Understand that knowledge is power... and the forcible suppression of dissent is the first step to suppressing knowledge.

Every other girl makes a list of things she wishes guys would do, even if just mentally. My list is not so much a personal list, as a psychological analysis of the female mind. The fact that this analysis and my personal desires coincide is irrelevent.

1) Be confident, even cocky, but not arrogant. 
The male gender and the female gender have equal abilities; however, the nature of those abilities is incredibly different. The nature of a man is to confront problems directly, to be more agressive, solving problems in an effective and straightforward manner. This is especially useful concerning leadership. A female person, however, is naturally more conscientious of details and better able to handle sensitive situations. The female person is a motivator and a support. That being said, the girl is not going to make the first move, and she does not want to be dominant (with the exception of a few girls). She's waiting for you to make the move, and she probably wants you to take the lead. Confidence is necessary, and being a little bit cocky definitely doesn't hurt... but arrogance and/or conceit is likely to leave you without a girl. Sucka.

2) State your intentions.
From the beginning, let her know what you want and what she should expect from you. If you do not want a deep, meaningful relationship, do not make her believe that you want a relationship. If you want someone to love forever, let her know that that is what you want. If the girl is not amicable to your desire, find another girl, or change your desire. Also, make rules before you ever involve yourself with anyone. If you don't want cheating, or lying, or whatever it is you dislike in a relationship, say that FIRST. Likewise, If you want the freedom to date other people while you are involved with a girl, or whatever, tell her. It does not make for a wonderful relationship, but it is easier for you. Whatever you want, whatever you want to do or not to do, whatever you expect, needs to be stated FIRST. To have a standard met, you have to set the standard. This is general advice for everyone.

3) Touch her, talk to her.
There are people who dislike being touched, so this one can vary. But physical contact can be on the the most expressive ways to show affection. What I mean by this is minor things: holding her hand, touching her hair, putting your arms around her waist, touching her face. Do not be excessive, but still do it. The amount of space needed depends on the girl, and some girls may not want to be touched at all, but if she likes you she usually will. As for talking to her, ALL girls want someone with whom they can talk. Do not just listen to her, talk to her; and do not make her do all the listening; have a conversation. Exchange opinions and ideas. It does not matter what you talk about, as long as you are talking to each other. If what she has to say bores you, you are probably with the wrong girl. It is sharing minds as well as hearts.

4) Understand the basic nature of girls.
Girls, on some level, want to be protected, and to be loved. (On some level, everyone wants to be loved.) They also want a friend, though often love and friendship are not as well equated as they should be. Physical attraction is almost inconsequential in dealing with a girl; it does not guaruntee that you will interact well with her, or even like her. It is the same as befriending anyone else: you are friends because you operate well together. You like that person because they have some quality which you value or respect. If there is nothing about her that you value or respect, and you do not work well together, get another girl. But if this is not the case, remember to show that you are strong enough to protect; and show that you love her any way you can.


DO NOT
-Suffocate her by trying to control her decisions, by getting in her space, or by obsessing over her every motion.
-Dwell on ANYONE if they do not want you. Only the people who want your energy are worth your energy.
-Expect the rules to be followed by her if you do not follow them yourself. You are equal, and anything you do, she has the right to do also.
-Doubt yourself. Make judgements for yourself as to what you do.

As you know, I tend to be rather passive. I do not make grand plans, and I do not have high standards for anyone or anything but myself. I would be just as content living in poverty as I would be living in a mansion which supported my every whim. I would prefer the former, actually, because with humility comes wisdom.

But I have realized something that I really, really want... the first thing I have ever wanted that would require a whole lot of money. I want to build a castle. I am completely serious when I say this, and here is my reason why: in a worst case scenario, the government is going to become socialist and we are going to be oppressed; in a best case scenario, technology will be destroyed and it will become an anarchy.

In truth, the best thing to do in either of these instances is to know how to disappear. But anyone who knows me knows by now that I have a "superhero complex"; I have to protect. The two things that I have to protect are knowledge, and people. My room is stacked wall to wall with books: textbooks. novels, instruction manuals, poetry; anything that I think contains worthwhile information. I value knowledge.
As for people... while I disdain them, I also feel I must protect them. I know it is a contradiction, but I am like a paladin; a bitterly honest, somewhat dark paladin, but a paladin nonetheless. One cannot protect people by running and hiding; to do that, one has to make a stand.

Hence my castle. A castle is a fortress, built to contain up to a hundred people, and defend against armies. While I cannot fight an army, it would still be a sanctuary against what I would expect from anarchy, and to an extent against an oppressive socialism. In one I would protect people from gangs and bandits; in the other, I would protect knowledge.

Remember, knowledge is power. To control a mass of people, one must abolish knowledge of history, literature, and any thought of freedom. Even the word "freedom" must be removed from speech, because then it can be removed from thought.

Here is the basis of my plan: I would need to buy land, about fourteen acres, for everything that I want to accomplish (being the keep itself, as well as the farmland within the castle walls). This is hardly the most difficult part, since I live in Texas. Land is prolific here, and easier to buy than anywhere else. I estimate it to be around $10,000 - $50,000.

A traditional castle has a moat (to prevent anyone tunneling under the castle), an outer wall (on top of which there is crenelation through which the people within would shoot at, or pour boiling liquids, on the attackers), a second wall, and the keep itself. I dislike the idea of the moat, but I see how it would be necessary to prevent an invasion from underneath. I would definitely have the first wall (very important), probably skipping the second wall and building the keep next.

Inside the wall and surrounding the keep would be the farmland. To support the people within (in case outside sources were unavailable), I would have chickens (for eggs), and dairy cows (for milk). Here there would be two separate buildings, one a stable and the other a hen house. (The hen house would probably be fenced off, because hens are not very specific about where they lay their eggs, unless they are forced into a confined space.) This is probably also where I would do much of my martial arts training, but I would not need to build anything extra for that.

After you go through the main gate, you enter the courtyard. The courtyard needs to contain 1) a garden, and 2) a well. Finding a natural well may or may not be an easy task, but it is imperative to have water within the keep. In the garden will be planted all the fruits and vegetables required to sustain the people living inside (though no grains). I would like to have an old oak tree in the center of the courtyard, but the whole castle would have to be build around it, and that would be problematic (especially getting it in conjunction with the well).

Inside the keep, I would settle for one story, but it is VITAL that there be a secret dungeon. This "dungeon" is where I would hide people or books if the time should come that they needed to be hidden (like in the Diary of Anne Frank, or the Underground Railroad). This dungeon would need two entrances: one inside the castle (perhaps a trapdoor), and one outside the castle wall as an escape (probably via a tunnel which led far beyond the keep).

As for the upper floor of the castle, this is where I would be living. It requires a main hall, a kitchen, a dining room, a library, a bathroom with modern plumbing (of course), and multiple bedrooms. It would be equipped with modern technology, but sustainable should technology fail. The main hall is where you would enter after passing through the courtyard, and would be a big room in which I would have a stone monument with scripture on it. Perhaps I would also make this an entertainment center, but I am somewhat opposed to having a television (because in Soviet Russia, television watches you!).

Other details I cannot at this time ascertain.

You have probably been wondering for some time how I am going to accomplish all of this. This kind of project would cost millions of dollars NOW, and likely more by the time I am capable of overseeing the project. I have decided that I WILL have to oversee it to achieve what I want. To do something of this magnitude I would have to dedicate a large portion of my life to accomplish it, starting with getting a degree in architecture.

Architecture is not something I have ever considered before, but when I think about it, it could be an interesting profession. As it is, I do not expect to have to pay for college (because, due to my family's low income, I automatically get into school free; even if this were not true, I also qualify for scholarships). Before, I wanted to go to school for academic reasons: I intended to study history and philosophy, because they interest me. I could still do those things, as well as studying architecture. Being in the trade can hardly have a malignant affect on my aspirations to make a sustainable fortress. Getting a degree in architecture would satisfy my needs for information.

As for money, I have no problem with work. If I can save a hundred dollars per month, in three years I would have roughly four thousand dollars. In ten years I would have over ten thousand dollars (enough to buy a small portion of land). Of course, this is far from adequate, but it would be a start. (I base the hundred dollars a month on Debbie's first pay check, being $80, working at Whataburger.) I am fully capable of living at a bare minimum for as long as I need to.

This sounds incredibly impractical, doesn't it? But there are two things that, if applied, can make it work. The first is two qualities that I WILL exercise: perseverance, and resourcefulness. The second is God. "If ye have believing, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, 'Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea', it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."

I want this. This is what I want to do. This is something that I am willing to dedicate a large part of my life to... and that’s something I’ve never wanted to do before.

I do not like to think that a person or a thing could change my life so easily, but at the same time, I learn a little bit from every interaction I have. From one failed interaction, I learn how to react to a myriad of other situations that are similar in some way.

There is something called the chaos theory, the "butterfly effect". This states that every event causes a chain of reactions, and reactions to the reactions; this way, one event can change the entire outcome of one's life, the way one ripple in the water causes a series of other ripples.

However, while there are the external events, easily changed by outside forces, there is also the intrinsic. Intrinsically, I have decided based on my interactions and my experiences what I want to do and become. While the internal is affected by the external, I prefer to think that I would not be so different if one person, or one thing, had never occurred in my life.

There are a few people who have changed my whole way of thinking, though, and I am going to explain a few of them.

Trevor. Enough said on that count; I will just say that he taught me that I am tactless and insensitive, and I never want to have anyone suffer my flaws like that again.

Colton. When I met Colton, I was so alone... and because he was the first person to show me any sort of affection for so long, I felt such gratitude toward him. Most of my attraction to him was because he showed such affection for me, though also because of what a fascinating person he is. I had to decipher him, and, in comparison, everyone else has been easy to understand.

Sensei James. He has actively been my teacher, and he has taught me how to be a good martial artist and an outstanding person. When I needed advice, he gave it before I could even ask. I usually know what I should do, but because of how passive I am, often I need someone else to voice the fact that I need to do it before I take action. He has often been that voice; I have never really seen sensei make a wrong, amoral, or lazy decision.

Those are the only three people who have taught me incredible amounts (along with my mom), but everyone I know has contributed something. Sometimes it was not even a friend who did so, but rather an event with someone. For instance, the event that taught my never to do karate outside of my dojo was when I "kicked" a guy in the back.(It was more of a push with my foot, but I got into enormous trouble for it.) Since then, I have never had the desire to do any martial arts in the "real world".

The chaos theory does apply to our lives... but not enough that removing one small element would completely change us, I think. If we were to go under that assumption, then would we have to fear our own actions effecting everything that happens to us? Be who you're going to be, and do not obsess over every small thing.

It is the most uncensored, savage thing you could ever scream, and yet something that is forgotten by those who have never had to fight for it. And so very much worth screaming, with as much raw energy as one can. FREEDOM! What is freedom, what is the purpose of being free? Being free from everyone and everything, even if there is no governmental oppression?

Sometimes one oppresses oneself; OFTEN one oppresses oneself. There are no limitations you must oblige, except the ones put upon you by YOURSELF. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, you don't have to be anything for anyone. Though there may be instances when you are not free physically, no one can TRULY control you.

Self-imposed oppressions come in many forms: religious, social, maybe just mental. Saying that everything is preordained is an oppression: if everything is preordained, then what do I have to do? But nothing is truly preordained: your choices are your choices, your actions are your actions. Socially, people are often enslaved by social rules: what you can't do, what you can't say. Yes, your interactions with other humans should be respectful; but one should never deny oneself FREEDOM.

Governmental oppression starts so subtly that no one notices -- it starts when they have stopped fighting so energetically for their freedom, stopped screaming it raw and uncensored. FREEDOM! And it does not start because someone wants to take your freedom away -- it starts because you become too lazy to work for your freedom. It may take a generation or five, but slowly a nation loses it's will to be free and independent... they lose their will to fight. It is happening now: what is freedom, what is the purpose of freedom? No one really knows, and no one wants to work for something so abstract, so forgotten. Freedom? What is freedom? We have it now... but we won't always.

Why does it take hundreds of years of oppression to make a group of people understand their need for freedom, only for them to forget it again in another hundred years? It is an endless cycle of freedom and oppression, freedom and oppression. Humans are so apt to forget to remember.

Usually my poetry is in perfect rhyme and meter, or at least meter and some semblance of rhyme. I dislike freestyle poetry: the concept behind the poem may be fascinating, but I find that there is no skill in writing a bunch of disorderly words. (Admittedly, there have been a very few freestyle poems that I very much liked, but in general I prefer meter.) Therefore, this is one of my crappier poems; I kind of like it, but I have written much better.


People seeming so afraid of themselves,
What they will do and what they will say.
I realize that I am also afraid
To err, because no one will catch me
If I fall.

Trepidation, inspiration:
Things I will never show the world,
Though perhaps someday I will to you.
'till then I feel, but I intend to
Hide it all.

It seems that all the things I desire,
Only I am willing to give.
All that I fear is my catchless fall,
A lapse in my flawless logic.

Morbid little girl, heartless little girl;
Observation, contemplation.
I don't care, not about a thing.
what frightens you? I fear myself
And the world.

I cannot find my reflection
I cannot find what I'm looking for
I cannot find a key to my lock
I cannot find so many things
All I find is a trail of broken hearts
That I don't want to fix.


This poem is not about anyone, so much as about what that person causes me to consider. Different people inspire me to consider different things; this person, Kris, causes me to consider what I want, and whether anyone can ever provide that for me. There are things I know I want, and then impulses: often, I disregard the impulses in favor of furthering myself towards what I truly want.

In this instance, it is an emotional want: I WANT to be with someone who challenges me intellectually, and can protect me from things emotionally. I never really show that desire to be protected to anyone: I constantly protect myself, and to admit that it wears away at me would be a display of weakness. I am strong. I will always be strong. But sometimes I feel so close to collapsing.

But as I said in this poem -- I cannot collapse, I cannot fall, because no one will catch me. And what I don't want to do is put my trust in someone who cannot help me, or cannot match me. I am a very mental creature: I actively need to be around other mental creatures, or I become almost depressive. This is my biggest problem, seconded by the fact that I don't want to be dominant, but I don't want to submit to someone I consider to be less than me. And I consider most people to be less than me.

Hence Kris. My impulse is to immediately give all of my affect to him; my flawless logic tells me that that would be irrational, and potentially disasterous. I want to know everything about him, more than anyone else ever has; I want a friend, a close friend, and then decide whether it really would result in disaster. But I have always been a heartless little girl with her flawless logic, hiding it all and looking for something other than a broken heart that I don't want to fix.

What you believe yourself to be, that is what you will become. If you imagine yourself to be a hideous, stupid person -- despite whether you actually are -- you will act like you are a hideous, stupid person, and, therefore, that is how people will perceive you. This is why you should not tell someone they are capable of less than what they are: if say something often enough, it becomes accepted as truth.

This is why I utterly despise the treatment of people with "disabilities", be it physical or mental. I know a 16-year-old autistic boy who is seemingly incapable of acceptable interaction with other human beings. And this is because, all his life, he has been told that he is incapable of doing things because of his "disability". This is not so. If he had been treated just like everyone else, told that if he made the effort he would probably be MORE able than everyone else, he would be. But because he was made to believe in his own fallibility, he never really tried.

It is the same with physical disability. A physical disability does not make you LESS capable than anyone else, it just means that it will take extra effort and extra determination to succeed in your pursuits. All things are possible for one who believes them to be so, and, while without that belief and that determination, one will fail... so will ANY person fail.

Nothing is GIVEN to you, and things do not just HAPPEN. If they did -- if anything you wanted could be acquired without effort -- would anything really be worth having? But to tell someone that they can never have anything, because they are incapable, is almost cruel. I see it happening all around me, and while these people think that they are doing this out of kindness, they are fools. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish, and he will eat for a lifetime. Cause a man to believe he can do anything, and he will.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 6

This entry is dedicated to James Trevor Witten. He was never really part of this story... this story started when everything was changing. But still, I never ever want to forget him... or how much a part of my life he really was. He knew more about me than any other person in this world. Likewise, even now, if he were to speak to me anonymously, I would know who he was because of how well I knew him.

I haven't talked to him for more than three months. I hadn't thought about him until the other day, when I realized he had deleted me from all of his social networks. It isn't a very big thing, and I wasn't talking to him anymore anyway... but it was evidence of the amount of animosity he must truly have for me if he actually took the time to remove me from his life in that small way. I don't think he's ever deleted anyone from anything before. I didn't say anything... I just looked up his page and stared at his picture for awhile, and then moved on.

Little things remind me of him frequently. I do not... miss him, exactly, but, as I said, he was an enormous part of my life. There are so many songs I cannot listen to because of how much they equated with him. House, Phantom of the Opera, Bernard Cornwell, Elton John, e. e. cummings, Frankie Valli, "knowing is half the battle", all remind me of him. Occasionally I will say something to someone that was an inside joke between him and I, and, of course, that person does not understand the joke, even though, for some illogical reason, I feel like they should.

We never really did anything very exciting. Usually we would wander around my neighborhood (though I don't actually live there, I just think of it as mine), or loitered around the place he was staying.

There was the time we walked to the library. I had told him about these two kids I was "stalking", named Michael and Melissa or Marissa or something. I said I was stalking them because they were ALWAYS at the library playing Runescape on the library computers, and I began to unintentionally amass personal information about them. Trevor and I sat behind Michael, and had a conversation about him within his hearing range. "Wow, his shoes are REALLY green." "Yeah, I think they're awesome." "I wonder where he got them?" "We should mug him and steal his shoes." As soon as we walked away, we glanced over our shoulders to see him leaving. I am certain it was because of us.

Then the time we were walking down the sidewalk, and I saw this cup of coffee which had been dropped there. I picked it up and started to taste it, to Trevor's EXTREME objection, and when I continued to attempt to taste it, he snatched it from me and spilled it all over my shirt. I was so upset, not because of my shirt, but because I didn't get to drink the coffee. (It was that wonderful kind of coffee with caramel and cream and everything.) He was not remorseful, but I was certain I wouldn't have died from it.

There was another incident when we were asked by the manager of a bookstore to leave for indecent behavior. We went to the bookstore just for something to do, and there was no one there. We started to look at books, but ended up kissing instead (hey, we were teenagers), which resulted in us being asked to please desist. I actually really dislike any public displays of affection; I would have been annoyed with myself from an outside perspective. But everyone who heard about it seemed to think it was the funniest thing in the world.

We went swimming a few times. I think what I do miss is the unconditional affection I knew I could get from him. The amount of security he gave me was something most people can only hope for; it's wonderful, when you're skin is cold and clammy from being in the water, to have someone hug you until you're warm. I miss having the warmth of another human being next to me, knowing how much affection they have for me. Never in my life have I felt that people have had a lot of affection for me.

Every entry about him was a slow degradation: the first being positive, the next being less so, until the last. You know how this story ends: with him hating me, not for ending my relationship with him – which he could have accepted – but for thinking I was better than him. Which I suppose really is what I told him... and I cannot regret what I did, because I told him what I really thought and felt. But what I learned was that one can say too much... much too much. Even if it's true, sometimes it does not need to be said. And that is really all I can say I have gained from those two years of my life: the experience and the wisdom.

I never, ever want to forget.

* * *

The difference between philosophy and science is that philosophy is WHY, and science is HOW. They both concern "what", but the approach is very different.

Philosophy questions everything that could be, without providing any rules. A philosopher accepts that absolutely anything can be, and nothing can be disproved. This is important... so few people really question the world around them, and therefore rarely learn anything about it. If philosophy could be condensed into one bit of punctuation, it would be a question mark.

A scientist, on the other hand, is concerned with what IS, and what can be proven -- of what is it made, how did it come to be? There is also questioning in science, but there are rules. Inevitably, science ends with a period.

I am more of a philosopher than a scientist. Eventually, I do get sick of philosophers' endless "what ifs, what for, maybe there is more", because I do believe that their is a truth, and once that truth is reached, there is no need to question if further. I am a scientist in that I think there are rules. But I am a philosopher in that I question the rules... constantly. I am always questioning.

Life is a game to me. I have no intention of "leaving my mark" on the world; it is an uncaring world that barely notices my presence, and will never notice my absence. Many people are obsessed with being remembered, but those who are -- Shakespeare, Alexandre the Great, Socrates -- are all just names. We know their names, and invent characters to go with them. I have no desire to try and leave a name behind... I just want to play my game of living.

There is a reason I made it into a game. All my life, I have wondered what the purpose of living is if we are just going to die. I thought about it for a very long time, but eventually I came to an answer that I could accept. My purpose in living is to do everything I can, learn everything that I can, and get as much from living as I can. XP, level up, complete all the plots and subplots. Of course, there are no respawn points, but it is the game that I play until I die.

Philosophy versus science. Philosophy means that anything can be, science analyzes what is. I need both of them: to speculate on what is, and to understand what I have found in my speculation.

I tend to be very calm in person. I have had to discuss with one of my friends why he should not kill himself, without showing the slightest bit of hysteria. I have learned how to put people at ease, so that they can talk to me without nervousness. It's been a very long time since I was nervous about anything... and I had forgotten what it felt like until Saturday.

I react to nervousness by become jittery and hyper; I babble and ramble with absolutely no point whatsoever. I hate it. There was a period in my life where I nothing BUT that ball of babbling, inane energy, and I was underestimated for it. I was told I was immature and naive, even though I knew I was not. One day I decided to completely change my conduct, and became the person I am now: the calm, logical one. Many of my friends have never even seen me get jittery.

There is this guy I have been talking to through text. I met him once, about a year ago, and two weeks ago I started talking to him for real. I tend to have a problem with being completely disinterested in other people; even if they are as intelligent as I am, they do not necessarily have the same interests as I do. Last month, I was feeling more lonely than usual... and I thought about this guy that I had met eight or nine months ago. All I really knew about him was that his name was John, he was twenty-two, he liked Nine Inch Nails, and he knew more about physics than most physicists. Just a few weeks after thinking about how much I would like to talk to him, I got access to his email. I was like... wewt.

Eh, what can I tell you about him? I learned so much just by constantly texting him for a week. He is the first person in a very long time who is able to point out the flaws in what I say; most people either don't notice, or don't tell me when I'm wrong. His technicality could be construed as him being a jerk... but I find it entertaining. He has a very mathematical way of thinking; he says he thinks in terms of complicated formula, and from the way he talks and the way he watches things, I suspect that to be very true.

I became rather enamored very quickly.

Saturday I met him in person, a year apart from the last time I met him, and I feel I... failed myself, in a way. My nervous persona resurfaced, even though I had thought it was no longer even a part of my personality. That persona is probably the least impressive thing that I can be, and hardly the most intelligent or mature. My calm disappeared when I wanted it most... and, although it is not irreparable, I feel I have failed to be who I really am... and perhaps lost something. That being that very rarely do I think a person is good enough for me, to be MY friend; but if I have found someone who is, and I fail to be good enough for THEM... I feel I have lost something.

MEGAN: "For Easter I’m going to go around telling everyone 'Have a happy zombie Jesus day!'"
JONATHAN: "That's a good way to get bricks thrown into our windows at night."
ME: "Yeah, bricks that say 'What would Jesus do?'"


ME: "Who's the most interesting person you've ever met?"
HIM: "I'm looking at her."


SENSEI KIANI: "How long do you want your review to be?"
ME: "As long as it needs to be, I guess. I want to make sure I know everything."
DAVID: "Oh my GOD! You're that GIRL who's in every single class, who is always studying and you just KNOW she’s going to have the answer! 'It's fifteen divided by the square root of pi times four plus the area of this rectangle.' 'So it's two?' 'No, it's fifteen million'. Aghhh! You're THAT girl!"


DAVE: "What's that stuff you're drinking?"
ME: "Moon Juice. It's the electrolyte-restorative I made."
JOSH: "Moon Juice: heals 20 hit points!"


ME: "Gah, she's a parasite."
SENSEI: "What do you mean, a parasite?"
ME: "You don't know what a parasite is?"
SENSEI: "There's only one paris-sight, the Eiffel tower!"

NAME: Moon
RACE: Elf
CLASS: Monk

ABILITIES
Str. 17
Dex. 15
Con. 15
Int. 18
Wis. 15
Cha. 13

SKILLS
Concentration - 12
Diplomacy - 18
Listen - 16
Lore - 18
Sense Motive - 20
Spot - 16
Tumble - 18
Cake Decoration - 28

ALIGNMENT: CG (Chaotic Good)
DEITY: God
AGE: 120
EYES: Green
HAIR: Variable
HEIGHT: 5'5"
WEIGHT: 180 lbs (When I saw that, I was like "OMG, WTF? I wear a size EIGHT!")

EQUIPMENT:
Green-stitched Tripp pants (with spikes and chains) [AC +1]
Corset of ten thousand hooks
Sai (2) [2d6 damage]
Boots [1d6 damage]
Mp3 player [casts "Bard Song: Inspire Courage" once per day]
HEREMES! (My phone.) [no special properties]


This is my real life D&D character sheet. I am such a nerd.

There are two holildays that I absolutely hate: Easter and Christmas. Especially because one of my best friends for a long time was pagan, and he would know all about pagan holidays... and told me about them, too. I, on the other hand, am a Christian -- not much like other Christians, a little bit too cynical and apathetic to be like other Christians, but a Christian never the less. This makes me dislike Easter and Christmas all the more.

I hate lying. I used to be a liar: I would lie when there was absolutely no reason to lie, without even thinking about it. One day that suddenly stopped, and I realized that it was stupid and I didn't want to do it anymore. It didn't really fit with my personality, either; I'm so concerned with "truth" and "knowledge", and there's no place for lies in either of those. This is part of the reason Easter and Christmas get to me.

Easter is derived from the fertility festival dedicated to Ishtar, the Babylonian goddess of "love, war, and sex". It DOES coincide with the time Jesus would have died and been brought back from the dead, but that's not what "Easter" is. What on earth do eggs (a symbol of fertility) or bunnies (another symbol of fertility) have to do with THAT? If you want to celebrate fertility in the name of Ishtar, have fun. But don't say it's one thing when it's really something else; that irks me.

The same with Christmas. Every time someone tells me to have a happy Christmas, I want to jump into a pool of lava (or push them in, it depends on how I'm feeling). If one were to look at it astronomically, Jesus was born in SEPTEMBER. Christmas is a pagan holiday in celebration of Odin, not the birth of Jesus Christ. As my friend pointed out, two of "Santa Claus"'s reindeer are named "Dunder" and "Blixem"... which is the name of the goats which pulled Odin's sleigh (or whatever the heck it was, I don't think it was an actual sleigh). If that's what you want to celebrate, again, have fun... but don't say it's something it isn't.

Anyway, Wednesday night I had communion. Unlike the Catholics, I only take communion once a year. To repeat something again and again and again that ways only makes it seem meaningless, and this should not be a meaningless thing.

Jesus did not know he had to die until a few years before it happened (if that), and then he spent all his time preparing for it. When they finally came for him, he was shuffled between people until they decided what to do with him, beaten until he no longer looked human. The bible says nothing was broken, but every joint was probably dislocated, and his features were distorted by loose skin and blood. This was before they even crucified him. Then he was nailed to a cross (not by his hands, like they say, but by his wrists. There wouldn't have been enough support in the hands to hold him up.) and left there for a couple of days. Then he said "For this purpose was I spared" and he died.

Three days later he came back, a whole person -- not the ghastly thing on the cross -- and talked to the people closest to him, and then others. Jesus knew he would have to die for a purpose, and he did. Most people think that he had had no choice but to die; that as soon as he got nailed to the cross, God abandoned him. For lack of a better word, this is retarded. A sacrifice is only a sacrifice if it is WILLING, and is only a sacrifice if it is GREAT. Which it was.

This is a very vague, much abridged version of what happened, but it is a version. Communion is meant to remind you that someone died so that everyone else in the world could live. Not exist, but live. I wouldn't know what the difference feels like, since I've believe this almost all my life, but my mom says it's the difference between seeing the world in black and white, and seeing it in color. And when you believe, you're filled with something pure and unremoveable, which is the difference between black and white and color.

So yeah. That was communion and Easter (which sucked, by the way). I'm out.

It's weird how I went for a month or more without saying a word to him, and then, one morning, texted him to produce this conversation. It's exactly the same conversation we might have had six months ago, or two years ago, the only difference being that the people having the conversation are so much changed.

ME: Hello.
HIM: Hi.
ME: How's life?
HIM: Splendid. Et tu?
ME: I don't answer to French.
HIM: Then I imagine you'll have difficulty when France takes over the world in 2018.
ME: Unfortunately for the French, the world will proceed to throw itself out of orbit and into the sun.
HIM: Not everyone hates French.
ME: French people, however...
HIM: Yeah, they're kind of jerks...
ME: And dirty.
HIM: No, they often shower. It's mostly the jerkness I take offense at.
ME: Ookay.
HIM: Right. What do you have against France?
ME: What would I know? I've only ever met one French person.
HIM: Who?
ME: I forgot her name...
HIM: Well, clearly she made a huge, French impression on you.
ME: ...don't say that. >.<
HIM: Whyever not?
ME: Because it's disturbingly phrased. And I only talked to her once!
HIM: Can I say it anyway?
ME: No.
HIM: You're not the boss of me.
ME: But I will kick you.
HIM: That would be a cool trick from 1300 miles away.
ME: It is a cool trick, huh? *kicks*
HIM: You missed.
ME: Oh, well, I did my best.
HIM: ...you also missed the Boot To The Head quote. Oh well. You never told me how life is for you.
ME: I survive.
HIM: Sounds pleasant.
ME: Well, I have two and a half friends, a job, and random things to keep me amused, so I guess it could be worse.
HIM: Two and a half? Is on of them a... midget?
ME: Or a small, furry animal? Who knows.
HIM: Awesome! What did you name him?!
ME: Fuzzy.
HIM: God, you're terrible at names.
ME: It was that, or Pill Bottle.
HIM: What, is your half-friend drugs?
ME: No, I was looking at a pill bottle when I wrote that.
HIM: ...oh.
ME: Keep in mind that only about a tenth of my focus is on this conversation.
HIM: Yes, well, whatever. I've gotta go. I'll talk to you later.
ME: Oh... okay. Bye...
HIM: Yeah. Bye.

The difference is that now he bears no respect of any kind for me, and I am so far alienated from him. But on the surface, it really is exactly the same words as it ever would have been.

I used to know that people liked me. I was insecure, but at the same time, I knew I was a likeable person. It was because I tried: every time I talked to someone, I would put my energy into amusing them. Even my insecurity helped make me likeable. But now I really don't know... I don't try to make people like me anymore. And maybe that's why I don't really think of myself as being likeable. I don't try enough.

It's amazing how much you can endear yourself to someone just by talking to them. I talk to anyone I meet. I can tell my whole life's story to someone, and get them to tell me theirs. Being friendly to the friendless causes them to adore you; when you're the first person to talk to them, and they have no other friends, they'll snatch at whatever they can possibly get. I know this, because it happens to me all the time. I make friends with people who don't care what I say, as long as I'm talking to them. To a starving man, every bitter thing is sweet.

I really don't want to be a bitter thing that seems sweet... and maybe I'm not. But I know I try to say too much. Not that I talk a whole lot: I already know what I have to say, and I don't need to spout it at anyone who will listen. But I try to fill it with too much content, and isn't it boring to listen to someone talk about something too heavy for you? There are very few people who can listen to me babble about my philosophies without getting bored. Really, all I want is for someone to say "Really? I agree, and I also think...", or even "No, I disagree, because it seems to me that....". I don't care if they agree or not, as long as they say SOMETHING.

I do this thing where I pester a person with constant questions. I don't really do much talking, I just come up with a question, then question the person on his or her answer, then question the answer to my questioning their answer, until I need to come up with a new question. I do it because I genuinely want to know how that person thinks. I did it when I first met my other best friend, Colton. If he hadn't been willing to answer my questions, I don't think I ever would have figured him out (or become his best friend). As it is, I understand him in a way that most people don't even bother to.

I'm going to have to become "all things to all men", as Paul said. Not always the person I am around Colton and Temera, but the one who gives people what they can take, bit by bit. It's the same as it is when teaching martial arts: you can't get a person to black belt in one day. If I tried to tell my newest white belt everything I know, he or she would be overwhelmed. That's why there are a whole bunch of belts in-between white and black. It's the same with everything else, it seems. Bit by bit.

I'm going to test for my brown belt soon (this summer, probably), and I realize that the brown belt test is the most physically intense thing I'll have done yet. Everyday I'm pushing myself as hard as I can, training as hard as I can until I can't train anymore. I'm working on my speed, my strength, my balance, my stamina... by six o' clock every night I'm already exhausted. I will be ready. But my brown belt test isn't the only reason for me to exhaust myself this way... I need to be exhausted. It gets rid of all my restless energy.

"We will keep him so busy, he won't have time to think about the troubles of his own soul." Quote from Martin Luther. I've increased my amount of mental work, as well. I have to have a basic understanding of philosophy, physics, Japanese, English literature, and personal finance for school. Usually I just read whatever the heck I feel like reading, and somehow manage to learn stuff. But I'm cramming. Not for any test, just cramming for the sake of cramming. I'm also doing a load of writing, trying to expend all of my mental energy, too.

People tell me all the time that I'm too hard on myself... but if I don't do everything I possibly can, use every last remnant of energy that I have, I don't feel like it's ENOUGH. I do know that sleep is important, and that food is important. Lacking these things, you will become weak. So I do sleep, and I do eat, even if it's not as much as I used to. But during the day, I am training so hard in everything that I sleep deeply and almost dreamlessly every night.

This is how I deal with the "troubles of my own soul". I change the only thing I can change: myself. It's something that everyone should learn, really: the only thing under your control is your own mind and body. You don't have to deal with it the way I do, but the fact that the things outside of yourself are not yours to control is always going to be true. People will do what they want to do, things will go the way they go. It's why I don't even bother getting upset when someone does something stupid; it's their prerogative to do stupid things. It's not mine to control.

I think I need to work on my confidence. Confidence and humility: how do you combine those things, really?

Also, for those of you who may have been worried, Temera is out of her house again... at least, for the time being. She still has more work than could be handled by three people, much less one, but at least she isn't confined to school and home anymore. As soon as she gets out of high school -- which will be a year early, considering how many classes her mom's having her take -- I know she's going to bolt. Until then, she's handling life the way one handles a bomb: very, very carefully, because at any moment it could explode.

Great. My best friend is practically imprisoned in her own house by her mentally abusive, sociopathic mother, and I have to sneak in while her mom is at work if I want to see her. I want to complain, I want to complain like you wouldn't believe. I have only two people in this world that I consider to be my "peers", and only five people in this world that I actually deign to confide in (one being my sensei, one being my mother, and one being what I consider to be friend and student at the same time). Yeah, so one of my ONLY two friends is living in a place she calls hell, without any internet or phone, except for the illicit one snuck to her by me. I want to tell her how lonely I feel without her, but then I think how lonely she must feel without anyone.

But I feel like crap. I feel like the only creature of my species at the moment, absolutely the only one in the world. I have no peers, because I am a dying race. People get stupider every day, and the ones who aren't stupid lack any social grace. Adolescents or adults, it doesn't really matter: habituation, clumsiness, narrow-mindedness, close-mindedness, general stupidity... and even if it isn't that, I hate being able to read everything about a person just by talking to them once. I hate it. I want a challenge, I want to have to work to read you. Am I too good for my own good, is that it? It sound horribly conceited, but I feel like I'm too intelligent, too graceful, too TALENTED to find any challenge in the people around me. The only one of my species, the DIFFERENT one, the cheetah in a group of cougars.

I'm too serious, and my sense of humor is too sarcastic. I care about all of the wrong things, and all of the right things I refuse to care about. I'm trying to find someone, some friend, but one can't just look at someone and know whether they're what you're looking for or not, unless you judge someone just by their face and their clothes, the way most people do. I don't. It's not what I'm looking for, it's not important, but I can't see your thoughts written on your forehead saying "I'm like you, I'm one of your species!". Yes, I am complaining, because I freakin' FEEL like it, and I hate feeling like this. Why is it so important to me? Why can't I just be content to be alone, if I think I'm so great?

The thing is, I'm not great. I may be good, but I've got a long way to go before I'm great, and farther than that before I'm perfect. Humility is another thing one needs; self-esteem and self-confidence are important, and I have them. I know what I am, because I am realistic. But humility is also important, because egotism is ignorance. I try to be humble, and if I fail... well I admit that it's only because I am perfectly imperfect.

I hate being the only one of my species, but it might be that I'll always be the only one. I intend to sneak to Temera's house Wednesday while her mom's at work, and try to cheer her up. Maybe I'll bring her some junk food and read to her. But even if I'm as lonely as I am, isn't somebody else always much worse than me? How could I ever dare to complain?